Dear Diary – 2020

I keep sitting down to write out posts, and I have, let’s see… at last count, 21 drafts. Other bloggers, do you also have a fuck-ton of unfinished drafts, or are you normal?

I’m frustrated with myself because I really wanted to commit to this, and there are a million and one things I could write about right now. But the fact is, they’re all depressing, and I depress myself when I try to type them out. They start rambling, shooting off on heaps of tangents, everything is shit, everything is connected, and I can’t seem to just keep it clean and stick to one topic.

This year has been awful. It hasn’t been the worst year of my life, but it has been the most surreal, the most unfathomable, the most unprecedented, the most mind-numbingly ignorant that I have personally seen in my nearly 40 years on this earth. Real life is more bizarre than any satire out there right now, and that’s so ridiculously absurd and frightening to me.

As you’ll know if you’ve read virtually anything I’ve ever written, I have a lot of experience with trauma. I am not at all being facetious when I say 2020 has been traumatizing. Not just for me, either. We are living with scores of uncertainties.

We are reasonably concerned for our health and the health of our loved ones. While conspiracy-minded fools eschew masks and social distancing measures, the second wave of Covid-19 is looming like a tidal wave; just in time to dovetail quite nicely into flu season. What began, in terms of public policy, as a tourniquet to stop or at very least slow the spread of the virus is now dragging into a whole new way of life that we all need to adapt to. There are too many people refusing all safety measures meant to protect those around them, dragging this illness out while spouting ignorance or outright selfishness under the guise of “enlightenment.” Look, we are all tired of restrictions. We’re all frustrated and lonely. We’re all stressed. None of us enjoy this. But taking the social responsibility to look out for those around us is important to those of us who learned not to throw tantrums after kindergarten, and we understand that we need to get a handle on this if we are going to return to any semblance of normal any time soon. I want that too. That’s why I am willing to do whatever I can to stop, or at very least slow, the spread. That’s what flattening the curve means. It means not overwhelming resources with an entire sick population all at once.

Credit: Mike Marland

We are facing major financial uncertainty. We are a trapped audience to a corporate top-heavy capitalist system that’s crushing us beneath it, where enormous corporate entities are making obscene amounts of money off of this pandemic while the rest of us peons down below fall deeper and deeper into debt. After mass layoffs due to Covid-19, hoards of people are competing for whatever jobs are left. People who were told the layoffs were temporary are belatedly finding that they’re not being called back to work, with no warning that this would happen, and only realizing that they don’t have a job to go back to when their employers won’t return their calls. Government help is dwindling and many of us are suffering because of it.

It’s American election year. The whole world watches anxiously while Trump the self-styled dictator encourages voters to commit voting fraud, talks about a third term for himself, has been recorded saying that he knew how dangerous Covid-19 is way back at the beginning of the pandemic and yet completely mishandled it by advising against masks and other safety measures, and insisting that this was “just a flu.” He says he “didn’t want to cause a panic.” Trump has done nothing but try to cause panic, to divide, to pit people against so-called “threats” that he himself conjured up. Because there’s very little that works better when trawling for followers than to call forth an enemy, even an imagined enemy, and tell them you’re the only one who can save them from it, too. We have truly entered the age of the Cult of Trump, and it’s a cult that envelopes an entire country.

Check, check, check check check, checkcheckcheckcheckcheck…

He is an embarrassment and he’s made the US into a joke to the rest of the world. The things he gets away with saying and doing are immeasurable. He can do no wrong to his supporters, even when he lies, cheats, insults, belittles, discriminates, uses the military to overreach and crush opponents, does not know what he’s talking about, does not look out for American’s interests and cuts the US off from the rest of the world in every way that he can. It’s not just that I think he’s a bad president, it’s that I think he’s an awful person. A self-serving user who cares very little for anyone but himself, his ego, his wealth. And it’s not just his lack of integrity as a person and a president that bothers me either, it’s the sheer level of support he has and what that means to the US society in general. Without them, there would be no President Trump, and he is the biggest, ugliest symptom of a population gone horrible wrong.

From the outside looking in, this is by far the most apt description I’ve seen yet.

Oh. Racism? Ableism? Murder? Mayhem? Protests? Riots? Police brutality? We’ve got all that in spades too. I never, ever in my life thought that I would have to explain to grown-ass adults why murder is wrong. Police have a 9mm hammer and everything they see is a nail. Police are trigger happy toward black people and the mentally ill – who they are sometimes conducting “wellness checks” on. Then there’s the instance recently of the two police officers shot by a black man while they sat in their squad car. Come on guys, murder is wrong. Period. And nobody should be above the law.

I came across this fringe theory that says that the world actually did end in 2012, and we just aren’t aware of it – our current reality is some sort of hell-world we were thrust into when the real world ended. A nightmare of societal collapse and existential dread. And frankly, it doesn’t sound any more far-fetched to me than accepting that this is real life, anymore.

I’m isolated, broke, stressed, anxious, fighting perhaps a losing battle with depression, frustrated, appalled, and so, so tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.

I’ve suffered a slew of losses this year outside of all of this, and it’s all beginning to really brutally beat down my spirit. Thanks to chronic mental and physical illness, I am painfully familiar with slogging through each day just to reach the end of it and hoping tomorrow will be better, and I typically just dissociate to do that. It still wears thin. I wonder how much of this year I’ll be able to remember next year, because during these checked-out times my brain often refuses to record. I guess it remains to be seen.

I know I don’t have a lot of followers, but of those I do have I’d like to ask a favour.

Sometimes I feel like I’m just talking to myself and I think that’s part of why I get so discouraged when I’m trying to put out posts during such a dreary time as this.

If you have a topic I can write about, please comment and let me know! It could be anything. Ask me a question. Give me something to research. Give me a topic. Something positive, something wholesome, something incredible. If you want to see a collection of the cutest animals ever, if you want to know who invented ice cream cones, if you want to see all the good news from the last month, if you want a thought exercise, or my opinion on the best food or music there is… let me know, I’ll do it!

I would so much appreciate it, and you.

Photo by wewe yang on

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