The royal we. You know. There’s only me here, me and my delusions of grandieur.
My last post was March 17th. It is now juuuust about May 31st, and that means I didn’t bother with this blog which I pay good money for, for at least… *counts on fingers* two months and some more time.
Hi, party people! Reading… people! Whoever you are. Greetings of the day. Hello. Hi. It’s a pleasure to meet you. No of course I didn’t look up friendly greeting phrases, why would you even accuse me of that? The very idea!
2020 has been a dream come true. I mean it. I used to have these dreams where everything was surreal and horrifying, and after being terrorized through that dream, suddenly I’d be in a different dream that was somehow even worse! It’s that dream, in real life. WTF! “Well that’s fantastic!”
January, just some personal shite going on. Physical health issues, fatigue, mental health issues, inability to work properly. Back when things made sense. January lasted approximately 31 days, as per the calendar.
February, same – and I became jobless. So many feelings that I won’t bore you with. Made some plans and tried to plot out what my “new normal” would be. February lasted approximately 29 days, as per the calendar.
March. My uncle unexpectedly dies. My mother and I drive 7 hours each way to see him the couple days before he was taken off the machines, as per his wish. It was a mentally and emotionally exhausting weekend. We left March 13 (remember how the last normal day was Friday the 13th? Anyone? Anyone??) early in the morning. The next day, BOOM, Covid-19. Emergency measures. We were pretty far from home and just hoping we’d be okay. We left for home on Monday, March 16 and resigned ourselves to our separate homes for, well, we didn’t know how long then. March lasted approximately 7 weeks, my calendar is clearly wrong. By the end of March, everything was wrong. Up was down. Front was peanut butter. Left was scary clown. Down was some kind of cross-bred pug. I don’t even know, it’s all so weird.
April, April, April. April lasted about 3 years. We watched so, so much news. I’ve never felt adultier in my life, watching the news with actual interest. Adjusting to what our “new normal” might be. Toilet paper has become its own currency, likely worth more than gold. Hand sanitizer, lysol wipes and sprays, rubbing alcohol, bleach… all became impossible to find. Good lord, I’m going to be having PTSD flashbacks to all the times I didn’t have hand sanitizer NOR COULD I WASH MY HANDS. I could have died!
Oh. Kobe died somewhere in there, I don’t follow sports, but apparently that was a big deal.
What are we at now, May? Oh, May, here where I am. I’ve lost all track of time and space. I don’t know what day it is without looking at my phone. I brag to all my friends on Facebook when I find Lysol spray at the store, and they are jealous of me. What a world. I have dreams about finding cleaning products, and when I wake up I’m completely disillusioned to find out that no, I did not actually find a case of Lysol wipes at Costco, that was just a dream. Just a wonderful, wonderful dream. I join groups on Facebook where we just buy each other fun shit like wine or weed or edibles and other fun stuff. Dump it on doorsteps and run. What a rush. It takes away some of the monotony of being stuck home. I didn’t drink for years, but I’ve taken to wine and all day long it’s either time for coffee or wine, they got my back, yo. I haven’t stabbed or bit anyone yet even after weeks upon weeks of being stuck in a house with people I either married or birthed. I spent some time with them and they all seem nice, but I need some space.
I read about the government admitting to evidence of UFOs? Aliens don’t seem like the weirdest things out there right now, to be honest. The government, any government, could say “We hid this evidence that grotesque mole people are kept out of our dimension by one single portal, and after decades of searching with their hands (because they’re blind, duh,) they found the portal and are coming through it, prepared to eat our butts and knees. Only our butts and knees, they’re poachers, just gonna leave the rest of us in the bush. Gonna trap us using 6-packs and Big Macs for bait. Where was I? Oh right. Any government could tell me that story and I’d be nodding slowly going “Wow. 2020, amirite?”
There was Mother’s Day as well, and some other crazy-ass family crap. The funnest of times.
It’s almost June but it’s still May, this counts. MONKEYS. Thieving fucking monkeys! Stealing Covid-19 positive blood from a lab in India. What? I mean, that’s all I can even say anymore, “Wait, what happened now?” “What level of Jumanji are we at?” “Is this real life?” Every day a new and wondrous surprise, nothing is possibly too strange, too idiotic, too shocking, or too ridiculous to happen. Nothing! What a world!
By my estimate, we are currently 87 months and 1.5 weeks into 2020. It’s been a long few years, this year.
I’ve spent weeks doing yard work and gardens. Weeks because it takes me a long time these days with my broken body, but I have enjoyed having the time to myself and getting to feel productive. Some days I get dressed at 5 PM. Some days I eat Cheetos for breakfast. I’m either living my best life or I’ve given up entirely. Ehh… one or t’other.
What wild adventures are still in store for us? Find out on the next episode of… oh. Um, the news I guess, it’s real life.
Let’s watch, shall we?